Experts advise against passive-aggressive phrases in friendships

Summary

A new advice article explains how passive-aggressive phrases like 'Wow, must be nice', 'It's fine', and 'You do you' create distance in friendships.
Experts say passive aggression expresses negative feelings indirectly through sarcasm, withdrawal, backhanded comments, and small digs.
They attribute passive aggression to fear of conflict, fear of losing the friendship, and upbringing that made indirect anger feel safe.
They recommend naming hurt feelings directly, such as 'I felt hurt when you canceled our plans', while noting not every slight needs addressing.

Thais Gibson recommends saying 'I'm noticing I feel a bit left out, and I'd really like to talk about that' instead of sarcastic remarks.
Natalie Moore recommends messaging a friend directly about feeling left out after seeing photos of an event online.
Meg Gitlin recommends sharing opinions honestly, like 'I want to be a supportive friend, but I don't agree with this decision.'
Irene S. Levine advises against undermining a friend's achievements with sarcastic remarks and calls the silent treatment a way to punish.
Vanessa Cornell recommends a formula for direct communication: 'I feel [emotion] when [behavior] because [reason]'.
The article advises acknowledging hurt caused by a joke rather than dismissing it with 'Can't you take a joke?'

10 Passive-Aggressive Phrases You Shouldn’t Use With Your Friendshuffpost.com· 9h
A HuffPost advice article explains why passive-aggressive phrases — "Wow, must be nice," "It's fine," "You do you" — breed misunderstanding and distance in friendships. Experts like Vanessa Cornell and Natalie Moore say hurt feelings are better handled directly, offering alternatives such as "I'm noticing I feel a bit left out."

Is honesty always the best policy? When to speak up — or stay silentnpr.org· 4d
NPR's Life Kit draws on Vanessa Bohns's book on when to speak up, noting a 2022 survey in which fewer than 3% of strangers pointed out lipstick or chocolate smudges on researchers' faces. Bohns says honesty helps only when it benefits someone, and advises asking people whether they want feedback rather than assuming.